a bleeding heart

Babies, Babies, Friesens!!!! 079

My heart broke heavy this week.

Not the kind of shattering and eye-squinting jolting and in pieces smashing on the floor.

but the kind of breaking that cracks and splinters quiet

steady and sore and lingering

falling by little by little pieces

for a few weeks now

crumbling and soft to the ground.

I knew it was coming and still I was not

quite prepared.

Slow breaking wandering next to hope.

What a gift that hope is.

How it keeps you moving and thinking and talking and praying and remembering

and looking into forward.

And then it happens. So slow-quick.

This life.

It makes me sit and think and pray- long and hard and humbled

about how

fleeting and vaporous

this earthly life is,

and I can be nothing but still.

And my house spins around me needing tidying and cooking,

and I sit still instead, while the littlest fingers find pages in a book

and kids play outside

and a butterfly hovers near my window.

And that tidying can wait.

I need to soak this in:::

And it’s this:::

this life:::

How I live alongside others that I love

and how I invest in a legacy for those I love that has

{not one thing}

to do with the success of checking off items on a notepad.

But

{everything}

to do with how I spend my God-grace-given time here,

while He gives me breath,

to love those near me.

And that’s how I  remember her.

How she showed me love

and an open home and

an open table and

an open ear and

an open heart.

Love.

How this life is about {that}.

Love like love is meant to be shown. 

Love that overlooked my mistakes,

love that was generous and kind,

love that was stern and honest when it needed to be, 

love that endured seasons of pain and tragedy,

love that was simply happy on a lake in the woods with a fishing pole and a sunset. 

How my fourteen year- old self was awkward and unsure and how she encouraged me.

How she brought a birthday cake to an icy lake on a sunny day in February.

How she introduced me to hot chocolate mixed with coffee on a subzero morning.

How she {loved me enough} to tell me I was wrong.

How she {loved me enough} to celebrate with me.

How she gave my little girl a doll that she still loves.

How flowers made her happy, too.

How she had sons that I love and count as friends for my life.

How she gave me grace and gave me time to make it right.

How she, whether I was 15 years old or 35 years old, didn’t seem to mind that we stayed at her house too long and laughed too much.

How we’d all go fishing on a Summer night on a dirt road and how it made some of my best memories.

and

How her smile comforted me.

and

How, this time, she smiled longer than she could

and

how she reached out to play with my baby when I know she was tired and hurting and aching and

How she

let me kiss her cheek

and how she

still

took time to invite me in and stay a little while.

That’s the kind of love

that lives long

and sweet

and remembered. 

 

 

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. +Romans 12:15

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “a bleeding heart

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s